I Lose Myself
by BLACKbutterfly75
Summary: What happens when Spencer sees Derek after months? And in another woman's arms no less. also im sorry if the story sucks and is confusing im a first time writer and idk if im any good at it lol um... R&R PLEZZ
1. Always

Chapter 1

Spencer sat backstage, trying to calm down his over active nerves, as the manager of the café,

Mr. Andrews, welcomed him to the stage. "Hey everyone, tonight please help me welcome a newcomer to the café, Spencer Reid!" Mr. Andrews started a round of applause as Spencer walk slowly out onto the stage giving a little wave with his head hanging in a nervous way. When he got in front of the microphone, He regretted ever coming to the café.

'What ever possessed me to come to a café and sing the song I wrote during one of the worst times in my life? I hate standing alone in front of crowds in the first place' Spencer nagged himself while he prepared himself to sing. 'Well, in here now. Might as well get this over with.' Spencer took a deep breath and started to strum the beginning if his song

"I hear, a voice say 'Don't be so blind'  
It's telling me all of these things  
That you would probably hide.  
Am I your one and only desire?  
Am I the reason you breathe,  
Or am I the reason you cry?

Always, always, always,  
Always, always, always,  
I just can't live without you!

I love you!  
I hate you!  
I can't get around you!  
I breathe you,  
I taste you!  
I can't live without you!  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
And now I'm done with you!

I feel, like you don't want me around  
I guess I'll pack all my things  
I guess I'll see you around  
It's all, been bottled up till now  
As I walk out your door  
All I can hear is the sound!"

That's what Spencer thought, and it's what he knows now. The night he left Derek, he stayed up and wrote this song. Perfecting it, adding the tune, everything. The next morning he was tiered, his eyes tear stained from crying as he wrote it.

"Always, always, always,  
Always, always, always  
I just can't live without you!

I love you,  
I hate you,  
I can't get around you!  
I breathe you,  
I taste you,  
I can't live without you!  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
And now I'm done with you.

I love you,  
I hate you,  
I can't live without you.

I wrap my hand around your heart,  
Why would you tear my world apart?

Always, always, always, always."

Spencer's hand stilled, silence falling over the café. The part he was about to sing, is the part that hurt the most to write. The sting in his heart was still fresh like it was yesterday, even thou it was about two months ago. He took a deep breath before he sang.

"I see, the blood all over your hands  
Does it make you feel, more like a man?  
Was it all, just a part of your plan?  
The pistols' shakin' in my hands  
And all I hear is the sound!"

His hand picked up the beat again.

"I love you,  
I hate you,  
I can't live around you!  
I breathe you,  
I taste you,  
I can't live without you!  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
And now I'm done with you.

I love you,  
I hate you,  
I can't live without you!  
I love you,  
I hate you,  
I can't live without you.  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I pick myself off the floor,  
And now I'm done with you.

Always,  
Always,  
Always"

His strumming started to slow as he neared the end of his song before he stopped altogether. The café was hushed before applause started to move through the crowd. The manager walked onto the stage, a huge smile across his face as he walked up to the microphone. "Well, that was quite the performance from Spencer!" Mr. Andrews said. "Let's have another round of applause !"

Spencer waved once more before walking off the stage to put his guitar away. As he set the guitar down in the case, he looked down at the indentation in the dark wood of it

_Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself wanting to be lost again_

_Happy Birthday_

_Derek_

-FLASHBACK-

Spencer walked through the door after a long day at the BAU, and all he wanted to do was cuddle up with his lover, Derek Morgan, and watch a movie. "Derek, I'm home!" Spencer called out. Derek walked out of their room…with his clubbing cloths on? "Hey. Where are you going?" Spencer asked, a confused look on his face.

"Oh, hey Pretty Boy. I'm going out to meet some friends." He said, looking like he was in a hurry to go.

"But I just got home," Spencer said, letting the sadness slip into his voice. "I was hopping that we could watch a movie or something." Spencer's voice trailed off at the end.

"Yeah I would," Lie "But I can't cancel now. I'm sorry Spencer. Love you, k?" Derek gave Spencer a light kiss before he started to walk out towards the door.

"Yeah, sure you do." The shorter man whispered, his eyes ready to shed tears after Derek left.

"What was that?" Derek stopped in his tracks, turning around to face the younger man.

"Nothing, Derek. Just go."Spencer said sounding defeated and just…old. He sat down in the reading chair they got for Spencer's late night reading, and put his head in his hands.

"No Spencer. What the FUCK did that mean?" Derek was starting to get mad, and when that happened.. well lets just say thing weren't pretty.

"Do you want to know what it means? It means that you're never around! That you're always going off when I get home. And I don't think I believe that you love me anymore." Spencer finished letting the hurt and pain that he has been feeling seep into his voice.

"You don't believe that I love you? What kind of shit is this! You know what I need to go and cool off. We can talk about this later." Derek yelled as he started to walk out the door once again.

"If you walk out that door," Spencer stopped and licked his lips before talking again, "I won't be here when you get back!"

"Yes you will Spencer," Derek said shaking his head, "You always are." Derek walked out the door not knowing the Spencer wasn't kidding this time. Not knowing that he was never going to see Spencer again.

Two hours later Spencer had all of his things packed up, put in his car, and key to the house off his key ring. Looking around one last time he thought back to all the good times they had. The little kisses during work, the fun dates to places Spencer liked, when he took Derek to meet his mother. Its times like that he will miss the most, even thou he has been missing them for the past month or so.

'When did it all go wrong?' Spencer said bye to Clooney once more be fore he left. Not looking back.

"Goodbye Derek. For good."

-END OF FLASHBACK-

Spencer closed the case and stopped the memory. Picking up the case, Spencer walked out into the worm spring night in Fredericksburg, Virginia. He lived about a block or so from the café so it's a nice walk. While in his thoughts Spencer didn't notice the hooded figure following him.

"Derekk" I laughing voice said that made Spencer freeze mid-step.

'Nononononoo it has to be someone else' Spencer begged in his head, but with his luck it would be the man who he was thinking about not even 5 minuets before.

"Don't make me come over there, Baby Girl" the voice that Spencer was hoping not to hear said.

Spencer looked up to see him. Derek Morgan. The man he left because he was cheating on him with only god knows who. Because he was looking at the man who broke his heart, he didn't see the man step out of the shadows and take aim. The next thing Spencer knew, pain exploded in his abdomen. It was all in slow motion for Spencer but it must have happened within seconds. One more glance over to Derek showed him the look of shock when he realized who was shot that then formed into a look of rage.

'He hates me.' the thought sent another wave of pain to his heart. Before he knew it, his legs could no longer hold his weight as the ground came rushing up to meet him. And then.. nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

Soooo sorry I haven't updated school started and I've had some serious writers block! Gahh BUT I started again and now it's all coming back :D yay :P. OH! And if anyone has any ideas to make this story better ill be more then happy for the criticism

Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds or Spencer or Derek. Ha-ha.

Chapter 2

"Oh Spencer, Spencer, Spencer… how long do you think you'll be able to run from me?" a finger traces the edge of his face in the picture that was hanging on the wall. It was one of the many photos around the room of the strange mans place.

In the silence, a piercing ring sounded. Digging into his pocket, the man's hand reemerged with his cell phone, flipping it open with ease and holding it to his ear.

"Hello?" He said smoothly, not batting an eyelash when the man on the other end of the call started hollering and yelling.

"Chester, Where the hell have you been!"

"I've been… Busy." Chester said simply, reveling nothing of when he did, though he knew the man on the other end of the line knows what he's been up to. Poor Teddy, always thinking he was right.

"Chester," Teddy sighed, "What did you do to that guy? I thought I told you to wait a little while!" He finished.

"Yeah, I guess you did." Chester said distractedly, not really paying attention to the conversation at hand. "I'm going to finish the job."

"Wait, CHE-" Teddy was cut off when Chester shut the phone and but it back in his pocket.

"You just wait Spencer, I'm going to save you from this evil world.

nmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnm !NEW POV! nmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmnmn

'Whoever says that waiting for someone to wake up after an operation was easy is insane!' Derek thought while he sat in the bed-side seat that all the rooms in the hospital have. 'Why am I even here?' Derek rested his head in his hands 'It's not like he's wanting to see me after all this time anyway. He made _THAT _perfectly clear.'

What happened that night was still vivid in his mind. After the shot was, the chase that never ended. Derek was never able to catch the shooter that got to Spencer. And if he was profiling correctly, which he most likely was, that same shooter will be coming back to finish the job once he found out Spencer was alive. Those three words still relived him. _Spencer is Alive. _Derek didn't know what he would do if that wasn't the outcome. The last time that he was sitting in the seat was when Spencer locked himself in a room with nothing but anthrax to breath for hours. When Spencer finally woke up, Derek did all he could not to kiss him senseless right then and there.

'God I'm tired' he sighed, feeling the sleep that he had been holding off start to take over him. 'Maybe I'll just rest my eyes…..just for a minute.'

nmnmnmnmnmnmnmn DREAM WORLD nmnmnmnmnmnmnmn

"_Can you stop me, Derek?" a faceless figure spoke, walking around slowly like he had no where else to be. "Do you think you can stop me from doing _whatever_ I want to sweet little Spencer?"As the other man continues to walk around, Spencer's tall, lengthy form started to show off in the distance, getting closer. Before Derek could even bat an eye, Spencer was sitting in the other mans arms in his hospital gown. The faceless man ran I finger down Spencer's face, causing the taller man to shiver "Now what can you do to stop me," his chuckle echoed through out the dark abyss "When you couldn't even catch me when I shot him. Right. In. Front of you?" He felt the breath ghost across his face and then move over to his ear. 'When did he get so close' Derek wondered. "Bam." He whispered._

_ "DEREK!" Spencer's voice rang out, sounding panicked and scared._

_ Derek's head snapped around so fast that he could have gotten whip-lash. "Spencer." Derek breathed out. He couldn't speak. The sight in front of him too much. Spencer was on his knees, holding an open wound that was bleeding freely 'why does this look so familiar?' A thought popped up in the back of his mind. The older man raced to his young lover's side, his phone already out and ringing._

_ "911 what's your emergency?" The operator said automatically._

_ "A man was shot at-" he cut off to look around for the signs. None were there. "DAMN IT!" Derek yelled slamming the phone down as he tried to help Spence. "Spencer, are you still with me?"_

_ "Ye-" he stopped, taking a sharp intake of breath. His chest was covered in blood and the rest of him in sweat. "Derek….it hurts."_

_ "It'll all be ok, Pretty Boy." Derek said lightly, kissing both of Spencer's eyes and cheeks softly. "You can't leave me," Derek murmured, tears stinging at the corners of his eyes "Not again. Not after last time." A tear slowly slipped down his cheek, "Don't leave."_

nmnmnmnmnmnmnmnm REAL WORLD nmnmnmnmnmnmnmnm

Derek awoke in a cold-sweat, a hand on his shoulder startling him. He followed the arm to the face of one of the many nurses on duty.

"Sir, if you want you can use the other bed to sleep. It's better then the chair from what I hear." She laughed lightly, trying to lighten the mood.

Derek gave a hollow laugh at the attempt, shaking his head slightly. "No, I'm fine." He said softly.

The nurse gave him a look before agreeing and walking off to finish her rounds. Derek looked out the window on the other side of the hospital room, seeing that it was quite dark outside. With a sigh, he stood, walking over to the man laying unconscious on the bed before him. He lightly ran his hand down Spencer's face, wishing the man was awake to lean into his touch. His hand dropped to his side like a rock, as he walked over to Spencer's guitar case, unlatching it and looking inside. Derek has done this a good ten times since he arrived here, and every time he looked inside, it still shocked him. Not only did Spencer keep the guitar he gave him, but he also wrote songs, about Derek and himself, the way he left Derek and why, and so much more. He had already read though most of the songs the songs sitting in the case, guessing there were more at the younger mans house.

"Spencer," Derek looked over towards the bed "Do you really think I could do that to you?" Derek had no idea that he had given off the impression the he was cheating on the other man. There was a light knock on the door. Derek glanced out of the corner of his eye to see who it was, seeing Mia, the girl he was with earlier that day, or was it yesterday? Derek has yet to check the time since he woke up. "Hey Mia." Derek said

"How's he doing?" she asked, generally concerned about the other man.

"He's been better, but also he's been worse, so I guess he's doing well." He looked over at the female, giving her a good look at his face.

"Come here." She said simply, holding her arms out to give Derek a hug that was long past needed at this point. He got up and walked over to Mia, leaning into the hug. He was so past ready to shake Spencer awake, but he knew that would do nothing at all, so all he could do… was wait it out until he decided to come to. Derek slowly pulled away from the warm hug.

"Thanks," he gave a small smile, "I'm so lucky to have a friend like you."

Out of nowhere a groaning sounded from the bed, and as fast as he could, Derek was at Spencer's side, waiting anxiously for his eyes to open. And they slowly did, the light blinding the younger man for a few moments. When he could see clearly again, he was staring right into the eyes of the man he thought betrayed him. Out of no where he got an overwhelming feeling to hug Derek like he used to do all the time. And he gave in. Wrapping his arms around the taller mans neck and holding on to him like he hasn't done in months. Derek's eyes widened at the contact. 'I haven't felt like this since… Spencer left.' Derek sighed and lent into Spencer's touch. "Spencer, I've missed you" he whispered in the shorter man's ear. That snapped him out of it. Spencer pushed Derek away from him faster then the eye could see, and was curled up in a ball, leaning as far from Derek as he could get.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Spencer yelled

"What do you mean?" Derek was still a little out of it from the shove, and not really comprehending what was coming from the man's mouth.

"Why are you here Derek?" Spencer asked again. "We haven't seen each other in months! What made you come here?" Spencer was stressing out. He didn't want to go through this again. He didn't think his heart could take it.

"Spencer, I was there when you got shot." He said as calmly as he could manage with the anger building up in him. He didn't want to go off on Spencer when they just re-met each other. "Mia called 911, and I accompanied you to the hospital." He finished.

"Why?" Spencer was confused for one of the first times in his life. "You _HATE _me!" he said, emphases on the word 'hate'.

At those last three words, Derek got pissed. "Hate you?_ Hate_ you? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO MAKE YOU THINK I HATE YOU, SPENCER?" he yelled at the younger man.

"YOU CHEATED ON ME!" Spencer yelled back at the man.

Derek gave a breathless laugh and a look of disbelief crossed his face. "You really think I would do that to you? Do you think I'm THAT kind of person?" Derek shook his head sadly.

"Y-you didn't?" Spencer asked.

"No. And if you think in the kind of person to do that, I think I should leave." He said, turning around, and heading towards the door. Mia had left about the time the two men had started yelling.

"No Derek, don't go! I'm sorry!" Spencer called after him, but it was too late. He had let Derek walk out of his life. Spencer leaned back into his hospital bed, tears streaming down his face. How had he messed this up so bad?


End file.
